The last of the miscarraige...at least for now

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The loss was inevitable; our hearts had begun to prepare for this loss. It still stung. In its short life my life had been changed. I longed for this one even without seeing its face or discovering each little facet of its being. The joys of watching it grow, teaching of its loving Maker, seeing him explore the world with his siblings. I feel the pain in his absence.

The pain of miscarriage is one that is often hidden yet ours could not be private even if wanted, as our boys had begun telling the neighborhood, “Mommy has a baby in her tummy.” Their excitement over this new sibling spilled out and the joy could not be contained. It is the beauty of new life. When treasures are hidden there is a deep desire to unearth that which was once a mystery. It cannot remain hidden but must be revealed in His Sovereign timing.

As this one was placed in the most unpleasant of final earthly homes, I asked the doctor on this gift. How could we ever deny the existence of a mighty and loving Creator? Yet still the years of study and research confuses a heart and steal the wonder of life. The foolish things have been hidden even by the wisest of the world yet Truth cannot be hidden for long, it might be concealed for a time but life will eventually filter through those broken crevices and magnificent Light will shine.

As broken vessels before the Potter there we lay our crowns and weights before Him.  Broken vessels are the means by which the Son exposes light. His glory revealed through our mess. There He meets us and comforts us as we wait for the darkness to be removed and the light to cover us.  We wait in our own little hiding places, which are unique to each of our journeys with Him.

There is a broken place that when others view us with earthly eyes, they see pain, even desperation, yet our eyes have met the Savior. It is beauty from ashes. Instead of only sorrow, mercy and love from the Father wash over us. Our eyes fixed on Jesus; the One who sits enthroned above wraps us safely in His arms and we are held. He gives us the picture of His love-as a father carries a son. He holds us.

Sitting there in that office, absent for only a day of the littlest one within, the waters of my soul had began to settle from the crashing waves, the mud and mire had receded to shore. My eyes could look up from self and my broken heart to these poor souls who spend their days striving for success and happiness. It is a meaningless pursuit. Their expectation lies in the things of this world.

 On my previous hospital visits to hopefully sustain this one, I only occasionally looked into the eyes of these who have not yet seen or understood His love.  Before the unknown was consuming and altered my response; yet the waters had already receded, and there I stood, standing wading in His comfort and joy. My heart was shattered but my trust and faith grasped Christ with a greater resolve. Once again He proved trustworthy and worthy of my devotion.

Death has lost its sting-when our faith is pressed hard-pain and trial flow. I am only an earthen vessel. My vision can so easily be fixed on the lesser and yet He calls me to remember His coming. The gospel is my aim. His renown is my pursuit.

Worship is that which beckons us nearer. Whether in the storms of life or the peaceful waters we are reminded often to praise Him.  In His presence we can no longer stay fixed on our shame or circumstances but on the One who sustains and rides on the wings of the wind when He hears us call.

  Our lives are not without pain or sadness. It’s just that we no longer see the temporal as our satisfaction. The One is what we long to behold. Even when the waters rise and we walk through fire we rest knowing that we will not be consumed or overtaken because there is the Presence. “I will be with you.” In His hovering we find our rest, our satisfaction.  There we are hidden from the gust of the strong winds as He conceals us and we breathe with a sigh of relief that we are safe.

The treasures of this world can seem to be hidden for a season, only waiting for us to uncover as the perishable puts on the imperishable. The treasure worth holding onto is a life spent dwelling with the One…longing for that day when He will return. Truly learning what it means to say, "In Your presence is fullness of joy."

 

 

 

 

Rom 16:25-27; I Cor 1:18-31; Luke 8:17; Isa 57:20; Ps 103:1-;PS 111:1-4; Ps 145; Heb 13:15; Ps 18:10;104:3; Joel 2:19; Deut 32; Isa 43:1-3;Ps 16